How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
People with herpes should wear stickers.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
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