I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
