It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
