Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize