My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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