She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
