Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
