I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Randomize
