Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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