cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
