Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
