see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Randomize
