i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
