my mouth tastes like poor choices
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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