dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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