I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
