chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
