I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
