I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
