OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
