so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
