i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
