Just fell off a train. Bad.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize