You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
