I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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