I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
