I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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