how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
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