I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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