I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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