DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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