mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
