Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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