Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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