I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Randomize
