Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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