You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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