Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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