Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Randomize
