my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Randomize
