my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
