just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
