my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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