Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
