I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize