"it" just moved
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
dude i'm inner monologue high
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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