Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Did you pee in the oven last night??
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
