As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
