On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
