Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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