remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
