I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
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