It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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