please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
