Will you blow on my dice?
Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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