remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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