Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
