there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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