I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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